We all fall off the wagon...

Update
First of all, I want to assure you that I have no intention of quitting this blog, that I have not given up on it, that I have not decided a quest for a healthy and balanced life is moronic.

That having been said, please be patient with me. This journey is still new to me and writing about it even newer. A couple months ago I became slammed with work (hey it happens to us all). I was getting up at the crack of dawn, no longer to work out, but to get in early to work on a project. I barely had time to think about food and when hunger pains got to be too much, I’d just throw whatever was convenient in my mouth.

NOT the way I would have liked to handle the situation. But that’s part of this journey. I don’t yet know how to handle (healthily) a situation like that when it comes to food and exercise. I haven’t figured out that part of the equation.

I think the worst part of this whole chaos…getting work back to a comfortable rhythm and still being unable to get back into the good habits I’d so desperately tried to build. I wasn’t working out every day (I was lucky if I was doing it three times a week) and fruits and vegetables? I don’t think I’ve seen so much processed food touch my lips in a long time.

I’d try to be good and focused, but by the time mid-day rolled around, I was grabbing what ever I wanted, and because I’d already failed myself for the day, I thought, eh, might as well just call the day a wash. I can’t tell you how many wash days I had. I’m ashamed.

Some of you may feel I’m being too hard on myself, or think, no, just because you took a wrong turn during the day does not mean you have to go off the deep end. And you would be right. I know it doesn’t have to be like that. I know it in my rational mind. But we’re talking about someone who loves food. Who’s used food as a crutch in her life. Who actually bounces up and down with glee the moment before she takes a bite of ice cream. I’m a very excitable person and it’s going to take a lot of effort, research, thought, and trial and error to reach that moment where I can find a balance.

So no, I’m not giving up. I’m trying to accept that I’m human and that it happens to the best of us. What I don’t want is to continue down a shame spiral so deep that by the time I come out of it, I’ve sunk much farther than when I started. So this is me…forgiving myself. It’s okay that you’re not perfect. I just want to try to do my best.

Goal for the week: Quit Caffeine
So, going back to my goals. I’ve managed to knock some sense into me (with the help of a few very dear friends) and am back to working out almost every day and eating healthier (most days). I know this is a mountain and I can’t conquer it all at once.

So, my step this week is to quit caffeine. I’ve done this numerous times before and usually get re-addicted when work gets hectic. However, I hate being a caffeine addict. Many of you out there may not have the same feelings. You may love caffeine. And in a way, of course I do. But mostly I hate it. I hate that I have to have this drug every day or else I’ll feel groggy, lethargic, and eventually headache-y. I wake up in the mornings and it is exponentially harder to get up if I’m an addict. If I drink it for long enough, I usually develop insomnia. If I’m drinking sugary caffeine I get a sugar crash. If I’m drinking artificial sweetener caffeine, I crave sugar more because my body doesn’t like being tricked like that. I could go on, but a wonderful friend of mine (who is also a personal trainer) has a lot more (and much more well-informed I might add) to say on the topic and advice on how to quit.